


Bucky Barnes and The Sex Partner Paradox

by MoMoMomma



Category: Captain America, Iron Man - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Bad Flirting, Bucky Barnes: Flirting Extrordinaire, Crack, F/M, I Don't Even Know, Implied Relationships, M/M, Oblivious Phil Coulson, Phil Coulson Has the Patience of a Saint, Sexual Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-30
Updated: 2013-04-30
Packaged: 2017-12-10 00:37:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,324
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/779787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MoMoMomma/pseuds/MoMoMomma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky Barnes really just...wants to have sex. And it's a problem. Because it's Bucky Barnes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bucky Barnes and The Sex Partner Paradox

**Author's Note:**

> This is what happens when I'm desperately trying to brain-storm ideas for WIP's. I'm not even sorry. Also, probably badly OOC. I don't know, I don't have a good handle on Bucky and Phil yet. I'm....  
> I'm so sorry.

Bucky Barnes would like everyone out there to know that he is not a gigantic pervert. Nor does he have any sense of nymphomania. NOR is he looking to ‘bury the tragedies of his past with re-affirmations of his life’ despite what the blonde therapist SHIELD shoved in his face says.

He is, however, looking to bury his dick inside someone.

It’s nothing life-changing, he’s not going to walk out of whomever he finds car/bedroom/kitchen/living room/etc. bathed in a golden glow with this expression of complete and total understanding on his face. He is just horny as hell after basically being asleep for seventy years and, thusly, has the sex drive of a sixteen year old boy.

Ask any man, it’s literally as awful as it sounds.

So all he wants is to get laid. He’s not even particularly set on a certain gender. (He was at one time, mind you, but Howard Stark was a crafty fuck with a fast tongue and a pretty mouth.) Bucky just wants to, basically, put his dick in something other than his hand. He’ll even take someone else’s hand at this point!

However, the world does not like Bucky Barnes. (See: Fell off a train and almost died, was rescued by insane scientists, brain washed to be a mindless killer.)

Ergo, finding someone to have sex with is actually proving fairly difficult. He could, of course, go pay someone for it but that seems dirty and when Bucky does dirty things Steve gives him a look that basically says ‘you have disappointed not only me but also all the grandmothers and nuns and Girl Scouts in the world.’

….Basically.

He used to be a smooth-talking son of a bitch that would regularly be able to get dames to come home with him. However, now he has a metal arm and various scars and, surprise surprise, gals nowadays don’t really find that hot. Not that they found it hot back when he was younger but back during the war you at least had the chance at a pity-screw for being a soldier. Girls now are lining up to hop in bed with fellas that wear their pants around their knees and shirts fifteen sizes too big and treat them like shit, not ex-KGB assassins who still try to hold open doors and offer to carry their groceries for them.

(Okay, so that one lady at the supermarket said he was a real catch, but she also said he reminded her of her dead husband and almost broke down into tears. Also, she was about ninety so…no.)

His options are; screw someone who works for SHIELD or get busy with one of his fellow Avengers. SHIELD isn’t really an option because he’s pretty sure everyone there is just waiting for him to snap in the cafeteria one day and unload a clip into the nearest individuals while screaming praises for Mother Russia. Besides, he only knows a few people from SHIELD well enough to get naked in front of them (and he wants to be naked, goddamnit. Screwing people while he was the Winter Soldier with his pants unzipped and shoved down was not relaxing or satisfying in the least) and two of the people on that _very_ short list are Director Fury and Deputy Director Hill.

Both of whom, even though Hill is actually a very attractive woman, make him feel like seeing them naked would give him mental scars worse than the Russians did.

His fellow Avengers are also pretty much completely out of the running. He’s legitimately sat down and thought about all of the reasons why he cannot have sex with these people. It’s a surprisingly well-thought out list.

He has a lot of free time.

For obvious reasons.

Hence the **fucking** list.

Bruce Banner is obviously out. Bucky is not only _pretty_ sure the guy’s got a massive thing for Natasha, he’s also fairly certain that screwing the dude would inevitably end in him being an assassin flapjack.

Not sexy.

Natasha is out as well, even if they did have a few flings (according to her, he remembers nothing _goddamnit_ ) back when he was under KGB control. He’s pretty sure Banner’s thing isn’t as unrequited as the guy thinks. Also, he’s seen her kill a man with her thighs. And seeing as how he would be putting what is pretty much the most important and sensitive part of his body between said thighs, Bucky will respectfully have to decline.

Thor’s actually a legitimate option, better than the others at least. The guy seems like he’s not really shocked by any sexual acts, comfortable with them on a level that makes Bucky think maybe all those stories about Norse orgies aren’t complete bullshit. However, the guy is also about eight foot twelve and built like a goddamn war horse and men built like that are rarely alright, in Bucky’s experience, with getting fucked. Bucky’s not looking to go for gold on his first time out so the ‘God’ is out as well.

The ‘God’s little brother is also bat-shit obsessed with him and the one time Stark had made a comment to Thor on the battlefield about his body, he’d cursed the dude to have tits for a week.

So…there’s that.

There’s also the fact that he’s _pretty sure_ the little dark haired thing wrapped around Thor in that supply closet that Bucky had the unfortunate luck to open last week wasn’t his lady friend Jane.

Pretty sure physicists aren’t supposed to moan like porn stars.

Or have that low a vocal register.

Bucky could always screw Steve. Bucky could **also** shove his head into the oven and close it a couple of times. Besides, Steve has a weird…thing going on with this cute little waitress from a diner not too far from the tower. It basically involves them stumbling and stammering around each other like idiots and Steve staring at her and sighing when they go get coffee.

Bucky may or may not spend the entire time they sit there pelting Steve with random silverware/napkins/coffee creamer packets every time he acts like a freshman girl who’s sweet on the senior quarterback.

Steve has stopped inviting Bucky to go to the diner with him.

It’s cool, Bucky invites himself.

Barton’s always an option, he’s pretty sure Barton would give anyone a shot. However, he’s also got a bitter rivalry with the guy. He didn’t _start_ the rivalry, he does not **want** the rivalry, he would like to clarify that right now. But every single damn time Coulson gives him a ‘nice shot’ or a ‘good eye today, Barnes’, Clint looks at him like he just caught Bucky sneakin’ out of his mom’s room in the morning. He’s not sure exactly why he gets these glares, but he’s taken to merely opening his eyes as wide as they go and keeping eye contact with Barton until the man curses and looks away.

His personal record is keeping the gaze lock for fifty-six seconds. One time Barton broke under ten seconds! Bucky was very happy that day.

The happiness was short lived because the head wound he had that had poured blood down his face had soon gotten him dragged off to medical with Steve screaming at him about being more careful and not taking so many risks and a lot of other things that Bucky wasn’t listening to because ‘hey! Cute nurse!’

Stark is…about as much of an option as Steve. Oh, he’s fairly sure the guy would be up for it. However, not only is Bucky _slightly_ skeezed out by the idea of screwing a dude when he slept with the fella’s pop, he’s also a little scared of his girlfriend. A lot scared.

Pepper Potts terrifies the Winter Soldier.

She’s a gorgeous dame, don’t get him wrong, but he’s also been ranted at for thirty minutes about correct ways to refer to women after accidentally calling her ‘doll’ one morning as he asked her to pass the orange juice. Bucky’s also seen her tear into Director Fury like a wildcat for sending them on a mission that had _all_ of them coming back bloody and tired. The dame’s about as scary as Peggy used to be and he’s honestly surprised Coulson handles her about as well as he does.

They remind him a lot of Phillips and Peggy to be honest.

Then again, Coulson’s got balls of steel for chasing after super soldiers and genius’ and assassins and still managing to look like a high school principal while doing it. Guy would actually be perfect to work with kids, he’s got the correct temperament and patience level and he’d do pretty much anything to help someone out—

COULSON!

He could _definitely_ screw Coulson! It might take some work, he’s not really sure if the guy swings that way, but any man who can debrief Natasha as she strips out of her cat suit and **not** have to re-adjust his hard-on twenty times can’t be completely straight.

Mind made up, Bucky tossed down the pen he’d been using to scribble out the list and headed to the door. Last he’d seen Coulson, and he should probably figure out the guy’s first name, he was correcting mission reports at the kitchen table and hassling Stark who turned one in about every six months.

For the mission they did six months previous to that.

If he could get the guy in bed, or in a closet, or in an office, or in a room that’s remotely private, Bucky could get rid of this little itch that had turned into a full body rash. Maybe even get a consistent thing going if he doesn’t embarrass himself too badly.

Bucky Barnes is a genius. He also definitely _did not_ almost whack himself in the face trying to pull the door open too fast.

Stop staring, Barton, go steal something shiny for your nest.

Phil Coulson has an incredible poker face. Going through the army with Marcus and the group of guys they ran with who could probably fake out a poker champion made him perfect his unassuming everyman face early on. He usually has no problem keeping it on. However, having the Winter Soldier leaning on the kitchen island he’s sitting at staring at him with what can only be called incredible fascination is making the mask slip _just_ a little.

“Can I help you, Agent Barnes?”

“What’cha doing?”

“Mission reports.”

“Ah…cool. Sounds fun.”

Phil put his pen down and blinked up at the man who was scratching the back of his head awkwardly. It didn’t help the situation that Tony, Pepper, and Captain Rogers were all meandering around the kitchen. He was fairly certain Captain Rogers had a reason to be there, hence the paper spread out in front of him, and Pepper was going through the days planner on a holoscreen while drinking coffee.

Stark, however, was sitting next to Pepper staring at them like he expected Barnes to start screaming at him in Russian and pull a gun on them all.

“Are you feeling alright, Agent Barnes? Do you need to meet with the SHIELD medical team…or psychiatric team?”

Because anyone that thought missions reports were anything other than Marcus’ idea of a joke was obviously sick in the head.

“Ha! You’re a funny guy. Anyone ever told you that? _Prettty_ funny, Agent Coulson.”

“I have been called many things, however I don’t think funny is on that list.”

“Mores the pity for the idiots then! So…what are you doing later on tonight?”

Across the table Steve slowly lowered his coffee up to the table, looking at Bucky suspiciously. Phil shuffled around the mission reports.

“No doubt attempting to get more mission reports finished before someone else decides to attack Manhattan.”

“Sounds…fun. So, think those plans could change?”

“Change as in something disastrous happening? I imagine so, given the amount of quiet we’ve had lately.”

“No, change as in maybe you find something else to do?”

Phil abruptly becomes aware that **everyone** in the room is now staring at them intently. Well, Tony and Steve are staring at Barnes, Pepper is looking at him with the look on ones face they get when they have sat down on the bus and are trying to figure out if the warmth they feel is a liquid or remnants of the previous person’s body heat.

“I don’t imagine I could find anything else to do, though I try not to be unprepared for anything.”

Agent Barnes is leaning at a dangerous angle now, metal fingers drumming on the countertop.

“So you’re saying you’re pretty much up for anything happening, right?”

“I would not be prepared, at the current moment, for say, a massive hostile alien invasion. However, barring something of that extreme, yes. I can handle pretty much any change in plans.”

“So….dancing?”

The thunk that fills the room is Steve dropping his forehead to the table, and Phil shoots him a mild look of concern before turning his attention back to the man looking at him with an expectant look.

“Dancing.”

“Yeah, dancing. Do people still go dancing?”

“I’m not quite certain the dancing of today is anything like what you experienced in the 1940’s, however I do know of some places who still offer that atmosphere if you’re feeling nostalgic.”

“Do you frequent those places? Do _you_ like to dance, Agent Coulson? Agent…Blank Coulson.”

Phil blinks at the man who is peering at his jacket, no doubt looking for the badge he has stuffed into the briefcase lying on the table next to him.

“Phil. Phil Coulson. I frequent them, but dancing is not really a past time I find myself enjoying.”

Agent Barnes’ face falls and Steve groans at the other side of the table, Phil shooting him a concerned look once more.

“Ah, well, because no one ever asks?”

“Not many people ask a man to dance, it’s generally the other way around.”

“Faaaaaair enough. How about dinner? You eat, yes?”

It becomes aware to Phil suddenly that Agent Barnes’ tone is particularly awkward…in the way a teenage boy might talk to a girl he likes. He brushes off the idea quickly, the notion that the Winter Soldier might want to date someone like him is about as preposterous as the idea that….

Well, that Pepper Potts would be in a committed relationship with someone like Tony Stark.

“I eat, occasionally when I can find the time. Is there a point to all these questions, Agent Barnes? I’m sure if you’re looking for advice on where to spend any down time you might incur that Miss Potts or Mister Stark might be better options than myself.”

Neither of them speak up to back him, instead choosing to split their attention between where Steve is gently banging his head on the table and where Barnes is still leaning.

“No, that’s okay. Any particular things you like to eat? Maybe fondue?”

Phil gets the sense that the word doesn’t actually mean cheese and bread, that guess backed by the way Steve hisses ‘BUCKY!’ in a scandalized tone, cheeks flushed red. Agent Barnes promptly ignores him, staring at Phil carefully, who smooths down his tie and blinks up at the man.

“Agent Barnes, if there is something you are trying to ask in a roundabout way I feel I must inform you that I do not really have time for word games or beating around the bush so if you could kindly—“

“Wanna fuck?”

The room erupts after his casual question, Pepper choking on her sip of coffee, Tony jumping from his seat to victoriously scream ‘I FUCKING KNEW IT!’ before asking JARVIS if he was recording the room, and Steve jumping from his seat to scruff Bucky and yank him backwards. Phil feels a flush rising and beats it down mercilessly, absently handing Pepper a napkin to mop up the coffee she has spilled on the table in front of her. He holds up a hand and whistles to get everyone’s attention, having to repeat it once more when it fails to get the attention of Steve and, well James might be a better way to refer to the man who just propositioned him, who are currently scuffling like schoolboys. They pause and look over, Steve still hanging on to James’ collar while the Winter Soldier has ahold of Steve’s leg in what appears to be an attempt to flip the Captain onto his back.

“Agent Barnes—James—are you propositioning me?”

“Uh….yes. Yes, I, James Barnes, would very much like to fuck you. You, Phil Coulson.”

It occurs to Phil that perhaps seventy years in cryostasis would be detrimental to one’s ability to conform to social norms once more.

“Why?”

“Because you’re competent as hell, wouldn’t mind the arm or the scars, and of the options I have the only person unlikely to punch me in the face for asking.”

Well….good a reason as any Phil figures.

He takes a long moment to look over the soldier who has dropped Steve’s leg and shaken him off, and is now blinking at him expectantly. James Barnes is by no means an unattractive man, with muscles hard won from battles and training, and it’s been a very long time since Phil has slept with anyone who he didn’t have to worry about becoming a target for the next mad villain to attack SHIELD. Men aren’t his first choice, the cellist in Portland having proven that, however it’s not something unfamiliar to him.

The part of Phil that collects Captain America memorabilia is both squealing at the idea of sleeping with **Bucky Barnes** and gagging at the idea of sleeping with Captain America’s _best friend_.

“Fair reasons. Would tomorrow night work well for you? I have some paperwork I do need to finish in order to take sufficient downtime for a sexual encounter.”

James brightens and flashes him a grin that tells Phil the stories Steve has told them about Bucky being able to charm any girl aren’t exaggerations. He nods his acceptance, striding over to pull Phil into a kiss that, he’s not ashamed to say, leaves him a bit flushed and rumpled. Once he separates their lips he shoots Phil a grin and murmurs a ‘that was easy’, that has Phil frowning (he’s not easy! He’s just…incredibly horny) before striding off. Phil pulls his clothes back into place and studiously ignores the way the others are gaping at him, returning to the missions reports.

He has a lot to get done, after all, because apparently he has a date tomorrow night.

Phil blinks as the reality sets in. He’s going to have sex tomorrow night. With the Winter Soldier. And he hasn’t had sex with another man since…since long enough that he has to think about it. Since back when things like lube were only distant memories in war zones.

“If you’ll excuse me.” He says absently, scooping up his paperwork and heading towards Thor’s room, leaving the others standing there, mouths still hanging open.

He knocks on the door, waits patiently until it cracks open, one green eye peering out.

“Agent.”

“I need to know how to prepare to have sex with another man.”

“Well then, Agent,” Loki swings the door wide, a vicious grin on kiss-swollen lips. “Come into my classroom. I’ll be glad to teach you anything and _everything_ you may need to know.”

There is an expression, something about spiders and flies, and yet as Phil steps through the door with a polite nod to both Loki and Thor, who is sitting on rumbled sheets with a bemused expression, mind on what exactly James Barnes looks like under those workout sweats he favors, he can’t for the life of him remember it.


End file.
